you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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