So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
3pm strippers are depressing
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
