Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
