I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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