Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
