Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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