so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
