She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
