somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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