my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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