come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
