my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
