New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
