this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
