I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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