Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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