Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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