I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I am mentally ready for anal.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
