You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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