Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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