i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
