i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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