She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
