Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
