I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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