btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
