Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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