My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i think i have two assholes
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
