I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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