i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
