Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
