So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
