Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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