I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
