I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
