Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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