my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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