Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
