dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
