I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she told me i tasted like america
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I stole a fireplace last night.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
