i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
