so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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