This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
