He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
