totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he fucked my hip out of place.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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