bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
