If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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