and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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