Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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