I can text with my tongue
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
